You cannot hide your mired past from me, reality star!

Ugh, my landlord just let me into my apartment after being locked out for 2.5 hours. It sucked balls, mainly because I had to do a #2, and I didn't want to do it in my bf's apartment while his roomie was there. See, I do have a little shame.

But the bright side is that, in my boredom, I watched an episode of Beauty and the Geek - not the first time I'd ever seen it, but the first I'd seen from this season.

I was struck by the fact that this time around, not all the beauties were female, and not all the geeks were male. Allow me to demonstrate:

Nicole, Female Geek:


















Sam, Male Beauty:

















Novel idea! (sorta) But as I watched, Sam kept making me think that I've seen him somewhere before. The Beauty and the Geek site lists him as a club promoter, but his face was too familiar, like I knew him in a different life...

And then it hit me (note: I did not see all the episodes, and maybe his previous career was broached in one of them, but if not - Sam, I know your secret!)

Does anyone remember the Disney movie Brink! ? It was about this kid who was a tubular rollerblader, and in an effort to help his family financially, he joined the rival "sponsored" team, headed by his arch-nemesis Val.

Please tell me someone remembers this movie. I think I was like 14 or some shit when it aired on the Disney Channel. Well who do you think played the obnoxious scumbag Val? None other than Sam Horrigan, who's very same IMDB picture in the one shown of beautiful Sam above.

Sam the Beauty is actually an actor with many credits to his name. Guess where else I recognized him from? He played the son on Grace Under Fire. Yeah! Just check out the IMDB page that I linked above.

Hmm, it just occurred to me that no one probably gives a shit about my discovery. And I'd use a Brink! quote to illustrate how I feel about your apathy, but none of you would get it and you'd further think that I'm a retard. Humph! So I won't. Way to rain on my parade!

PS Big meeting tomorrow - the producer and I are meeting with an actual hypnotherapist. Oh yeah, and I got a free Capricorn key chain today. I think I'm gonna make a buck (literally) and sell it on ebay.

An abbreviated rant concerning SaTC: The Movie

This post was once a seven paragraph long diatribe against the Sex and the City movie, which I saw Friday night. But then I read everything I wrote and it depressed me - if I hated the fucking movie so much, why did I feel compelled to blog about it? Ew and I wasted at least 20 minutes bitching. So Select All, delete, yep that's what I did.

I will sum my experience watching the Sex and the City movie as this: If I were a less respectful movie-goer, I'd have heckled that piece of shit excuse for cinema the entire 14 hours it was on the screen (ooops, I mean 2.5 hours - whatever, that's an easy mistake to make).

At one point, a girl directly behind me was talking on her cell phone (something I always thought was an urban myth - who knew that people could be such raging douchebags!) Just as I was about to turn around and tell her to STFU, I thought, wait a second, I don't even care about this movie, it sucks! I'm gonna listen to this girl's conversation instead...

If you have yet to see the "biggest cinematic event of the year," take my advice and don't bother. Get a bootleg copy and watch it at home - I wouldn't normally advocate watching bootlegs, but that fucking movie had so much explicit product placement, the producers/actors/director/crew/catering people can afford to have you not pay them to see it.

As a sidenote, I want to draw your attention to a movie trailer that I saw during the previews of the SaTC movie. I will not be seeing this movie, because wow, I rolled my eyes so many times as it played, I thought my eyeballs would disconnect from their retinas. I was actually embarrassed for it, like when I went and saw The Matrix:Reloaded with my friends, and that scene where all the Zionists are going crazy, jumping around and dancing, came on the screen. You watch it and can't believe how utterly ridiculous it is, and you go wow, I have no training in film or editing, but this is just egregious...what in the hell were they thinking when they filmed this scene?


So here it is, the trailer for Nights in Rodanthe (omg, the name alone screams "lame"), starring Richard Gere and Diane Lane. Please tell me how many times you wanted to gag while you watched (note: I am not responsible for dry cleaning bills).

Nights in Rodanthe Trailer

Just what, exactly, is Alyssa Milano doing in this scene from Fear?

Jump in your time machines, folks, I'm revisiting the childhood classic movie, Fear.

Fear came out in August of 1996, starring Mark Wahlberg and Reese Witherspoon. I was 12 at the time, and Fear instantly became staple movie-watching at slumber parties, or while I was babysitting (after I had put the brats to bed, natch).

I have to admit, though, there is a scene in Fear that has always perplexed me. No, not the part where Wahlberg's character blithely breaks some dude's neck, or the part where Wahlberg's gang chops off a dog's head and drops it through the doggy door - I'm talking about this scene where Alyssa Milano is, uh, "entertaining" a fella (I possess neither the know-how nor the utilities to cut this video to the one minute clip I am referring to, so just fast-forward to 7:14 and stop it at 8:17).






I beg of you, explain it to me. Every time I watch this freakin movie I come to this scene and am simultaneously embarrassed and confused. Are they having sex? Is she just gyrating on his lap? She's wearing underwear and his pants appear to be on, and he's smoking out of a pipe - even the most hardcore of stoners put down the bong whilst getting laid (though he might be smoking crack, in which case...wtf, is he smoking crack or weed?)

Is Alyssa having some kind of ecstasy-induced seizure? Is she trying to scratch an itch? WTF IS GOING ON?

I blame this scene for any misconceptions my virginal mind had about sex, men and relationships, because even if Alyssa is just gyrating, um.....WHY? Even my adult, sexually experienced head can't make any sense of it. Please leave your explanations in the comments.

Aristocrats = Rorschach Test?

So here's something I always wanted to blog about before I had a blog.

About five months ago, I watched an HBO documentary called "The Aristocrats." In short, 'The Aristocrats' is the most disgusting, profane, politically incorrect joke...that a comedian can invent. It's an ad-lib joke, that generally begins like this:

A man goes to see a talent agent, and he tells the agent that he's got a great idea for an act.

The agent says, "Alright, tell me about it."

The man then proceeds to describe the act for the agent, which involves public sex, incest, bodily fluids, murder, and bestiality.

The agent is shocked but intrigued. "What do you call this act of yours?"

"The Aristocrats!"

There were some revolting but hilarious examples of this joke from a wide spectrum of comedians. I'm no comedian, not a good one anyways, but I'm going to take a crack at creating my own 'Aristocrats' joke.

A woman goes in to speak to an agent. She tells the agent, "I have a great act that you're gonna love. We've thought about posting it on youtube, but we'd like a man of your expertise to manage us. It's gonna kill."

"Alright," says the agent. " What's the act?"

"First, I go onstage, and I'm wearing a skin-tight bodysuit made of fruit roll-ups. I do a little dance to get the crowd warmed up, and then comes in my husband, naked, riding a black stallion. He jumps down, I straddle his face, and he starts to eat away at the fruit roll-up covering my snatch. Once he's eaten it away, he starts to go down on me.

"At this point, my son walks on the stage, and walks the stallion over to us, and the stallion starts gnawing away at my tits, eating the body-suit. My son stands under the horse's asshole, and it takes a huge dump on my son's head. Hose in hand, my daughter comes on stage and washes all the shit off of my son, but then she takes the hose, shoves it up her twat, and fills her twat up with water. Once filled, she uses her kegel muscles to shoot the water into my son's gaping mouth, making beautiful arcs with the water that cast glorious rainbows in the stage lights.

"She fills up two more times, shoots water in my mouth and my husband's mouth. After this, my husband and son partake in some mutual masturbation, using the stallion's leftover shit as lube, while my daughter proceeds to eat the rest of my body suit off of me. Then we all take turns sucking off the horse, and when the horse shoots its load, we use it to slip n' slide off the stage onto a bed of rusty razor blades, from which we die bloody and painful deaths."

The agent is shocked but intrigued. "What's the name of this act?" he asks.

"The Aristocrats!"

There's my Aristocrats joke. It could have gone on a lot longer (I could have brought on the grandparents), but it needed to end sometime. In the aforementioned documentary, it was said that Chevy Chase would host 'Aristocrats' parties, during which the host and guests would attempt to invent the longest Aristocrats joke they could ad-lib. It's rumored that one Aristocrats joke lasted for two hours.

But I wonder, is an Aristocrats joke a glimpse into the psyche of the person who invented it? Some of the stuff I ad-libbed (and I really did ad-lib it - all I typed was what popped into my head, with little self-editing) was pretty disgusting.

Of course, that's the point, to be really gross and shocking, but where in the hell did that part with the water and the kegel muscles come from? (I'm asking myself, naturally.) That's not a joke I keep in my back pocket, it just came to me and I went with it.

If I over-analyze and over-reach, I can reason that the kegel part is ACTUALLY my homage to sprinklers, because I loved running through the sprinkler as a kid, and I was always fascinated by the fleeting rainbows they would cast in the summer sun. Aww, childhood!

Now that I'm reading my joke again, that all makes PERFECT sense. I talk about slip n' sliding too!

Anyone want to share their own Aristocrats joke? I.e. CHALLENGE ME? I know I have no readers, but maybe someone will see this a year down the road and get the urge.