Who do you want to punch in the face?

I've been having trouble drumming up a topic to blog about, and I blame Will Smith for it. It's not the meltdown of Wall Street that has me troubled, it's not the specter of a McCain/Palin presidency that preoccupies my thoughts, it's that bothersome character who was plucked off the streets of Philadelphia and unleashed upon his rich aunt and uncle only to annoy the hell out of them - and me.

All I can think about (seriously, this has been on my mind for the past 4 days) is how much I fucking hate Will Smith's character on The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. I was watching it late the other night just before I drifted off into sleepy goodness, and it was unbelievable what a punk he was in that show. All I could do was lay there, my lip curled in disgust, and fantasize about punching him in the face.

Don't get me wrong - I like Will Smith just fine, and generally like him in other roles. Though The Pursuit of Happyness made me want to slit my wrists, Will Smith was well-deserving of his Oscar nod for that performance, and Men in Black will always hold a place in my heart on those Saturday afternoons when it's playing on cable and I'm hungover. But hay-zeus, what a mouthy, inappropriate little prick he is on Fresh Prince. If that were my household, his ass would have been in the juvenile delinquency center after the first week.

All this vitriol toward Fresh Prince era Will Smith got me to thinking about other television characters I'd like to punch in the face. Readers of this blog are familiar with my previous lists involving television - I detailed the Television "Friends" You Would Never be Friends with in Real Life, and The Top Six Kids Shows I Had No Right to Be Watching, so I thought maybe I'd do a post listing the Top TV Characters I Want to Punch in the Face. Fresh Prince Will Smith would be number one, with Carrie Bradshaw coming in at a close second...but that's all I got. This shouldn't be hard, television is practically my second mother, I've grown up with all kinds of horrible protagonists who the audience is supposed to relate to, but really all you want to do is shoot a harpoon gun through their eyeball.

Well you know what to do folks - what tv characters do you despise? Try not to make them "bad guy" characters either - you're supposed to hate those characters, they're written explicitly so you have a reason to root for the good guy. It's the loathed "good guys" that I'm looking for.

Listicle Time: The Top Six Kids Shows that I had No Right to be Watching

So there are plenty of kids shows out there meant for the enjoyment of children and adults alike. SpongeBob SquarePants is the main one that comes to mind, but you can look at any Pixar film and see that what I say is true - shows for kids have evolved since Hanna-Barbera.

But you know what? When I was younger, there were some kids shows that were really, actually, just meant for kids. And I continued to watch them well after the appropriate age, in part for kitsch value, and in part because I couldn't. stop. watching. There I was, a fifteen year old who had by most means let go of everything that connected her to childhood; the barbie dolls, footie pajamas, and stuffed animals all sat in a damp trunk in the basement. Yet I would watch these kids shows, all the while my thumb was stealthily on the "LAST" button should my sister walk in the room and I need to do a quick switch to TRL or some other "teenage" show (this skill would later prove useful while watching Real Sex with my mom in the next room). Below are some of the kids shows I watched way past my expiration date.

Doug

Great theme song. Inventive character names (Mosquito, anyone?). Fabulous wardrobe. And an anthropomorphic dog - how could you not love Doug? Nematoads! The Beets! Childhood, where are you?

Doug was one of those cartoons that I never admitted to watching, nor even made time to watch, but whatever station it was playing on (Nickelodeon, usually), that's the station I was tuned in to. My sweaty, smelly, 15- y/o self would traipse home from volleyball practice, grab a ho-ho and a glass of pop, and plop down on the couch to watch Doug Funny endure the trials and tribulations of adolescence. Since I was technically older than Doug (therefore wiser), I would sympathetically nod my head when he worried over how he looked in his school picture - I knew exactly how he felt, because, at one time, I too worried about how I looked in my school picture! Oh but wait, I still was worrying how I would look, and not just in my school picture, but in EVERY picture. I still worry to this day, but at least now I have the freedom to drink away my body-dismorphia . Yay alcoholism!

When it moved to the Saturday morning cartoon timeslot, Doug's shorts became longer and the show got lame. But the Doug memories of my youth cannot be touched - er, so long as I don't get brain damaged somehow (prime reason to stop doing drugs!).

Rugrats

What evil genius thought that kids above the age of 8 (let alone 14) would love this gem of a show? I'm betting the pitch wasn't that easy.

"I propose we make a show about babies!"

"But we're aiming for the 8-12 demographic."

"No shit - don't you know how cool babies are? They do a ton of crazy stuff when the grown-ups aren't looking. They are so cool that 12-year-olds - wait, nix that - 15-year-olds will want to be them."

Ok, maybe I never wanted to be Tommy, Chuckie, Angelica or any of the rest of the gang, but I did wear a Burger King Edition Rugrats watch when I was in the 9th grade (though I might have been trying to be - gulp - ironic).

Looking back, I'm slightly afraid that those of us who grew up with Rugrats have picked up parenting cues from the show, to which I say, lord have mercy on us all. Ever notice how often the parents in Rugrats ignored their kids? They would corral them in the backyard and leave them unattended for hours. That is when all the adventures happened, when the kids were alone, and there was an adventure every episode - that tells me that, were the Rugrats parents real people, they'd have been taken to court by CPS ages ago.


Wishbone

A confession: I have not read every classic that ever existed. Gah, I know! I'm a dolt. But sometimes these classics will come up in conversation, books like Rip Van Winkle and Don Quixote, and the reason why I know what these stories are about is because of Wishbone! Well, he's not the only reason, but Wishbone was my first introduction to classics which are thoroughly studied and often referenced.

Maybe it was because Wishbone was another anthropomorphic dog, but I'd tune in day after day, despite the fact that I was a teenager with sex readily available to her (I didn't lose it til I was 18, but I'm assuming that at least one of my classmates would have been willing to do the deed with me). While my classmates were making babies, I was sitting innocently in my living room humming the Wishbone theme song.

One time my sister - my younger sister, mind you - caught me watching Wishbone. This was a watershed moment for me - I had the choice to quickly change the channel and pretend I was just flipping, thus denying who I was, or I could toss the remote aside and proudly let the little dog show off his acting chops to my sister. I did the latter - I chose to be myself. My dumb, easily amused self. My sis made fun of me for watching a kids show, but it wasn't that big of a deal - I was older with the adroit ability to beat the shit out of her.

Arthur

Wow, this list is getting long. So yeah, I was a big fan of Arthur when I was 15, even moreso than when I was 8. I think because of the utopic society it represents. The more I think about that, the more it makes sense - I was kind of depressed as a teen, and instead of taking Prozac or cutting myself, I watched Arthur. Also, DW was my hero.

Can we please for a second ruminate on this picture? That's Arthur posing with a celebrity, an A-list celebrity. Can you guess who? Here's a hint: I used to have a slight crush on this actor, except now that I've seen him as a cartoon chipmunk, I'm horrified. Did that help?

Blues Clues

Ok, I'm not saying this is true, but I may or may not have had a crush on Steve. Whether I did or not is moot, though - I liked watching Blues Clues because of the fact that a human being was walking in a paper-machet house and interacting with a cardboard dog. The trickery fascinated me - like, how did they do that? I know, I know, green screen and whatnot, but the fact that a human person was acting on a set that he couldn't even see was mind-boggling (except for that huge orange chair - I'm pretty sure that was a tangible part of the set). Not only did he have to have a conversation with salt and pepper shakers, but he couldn't SEE the salt and pepper shakers. Truly astounding.

Teletubbies

This show I watched for pure kitsch value. Seriously. It would all go down thusly: In high school, my friend Carrie's dad would get us lunch, so me and about three or four of my other girlfriends would go to her house, flop our asses on her sofa, and mow down on some Taco Bell while these four aliens blazed across the television screen.

I hated this show, but my friend Leanna thought they were cute, so we'd put it on the screen and make fun of it while Leanna drooled over the little one (Po). Teletubbies earned some points in my book when Christian fundamentalists started getting all angry that the purple one was promoting homosexuality to kids. The Teletubbies were way too androgynous for me to discern a gender, let alone a sexual preference, but it was funny to see the Funds holding up signs of protest and marching in the street over something so stupid. Way to be a rebel, Tinky-Winky. Screw DW - Tinky is my hero now.

You cannot hide your mired past from me, reality star!

Ugh, my landlord just let me into my apartment after being locked out for 2.5 hours. It sucked balls, mainly because I had to do a #2, and I didn't want to do it in my bf's apartment while his roomie was there. See, I do have a little shame.

But the bright side is that, in my boredom, I watched an episode of Beauty and the Geek - not the first time I'd ever seen it, but the first I'd seen from this season.

I was struck by the fact that this time around, not all the beauties were female, and not all the geeks were male. Allow me to demonstrate:

Nicole, Female Geek:


















Sam, Male Beauty:

















Novel idea! (sorta) But as I watched, Sam kept making me think that I've seen him somewhere before. The Beauty and the Geek site lists him as a club promoter, but his face was too familiar, like I knew him in a different life...

And then it hit me (note: I did not see all the episodes, and maybe his previous career was broached in one of them, but if not - Sam, I know your secret!)

Does anyone remember the Disney movie Brink! ? It was about this kid who was a tubular rollerblader, and in an effort to help his family financially, he joined the rival "sponsored" team, headed by his arch-nemesis Val.

Please tell me someone remembers this movie. I think I was like 14 or some shit when it aired on the Disney Channel. Well who do you think played the obnoxious scumbag Val? None other than Sam Horrigan, who's very same IMDB picture in the one shown of beautiful Sam above.

Sam the Beauty is actually an actor with many credits to his name. Guess where else I recognized him from? He played the son on Grace Under Fire. Yeah! Just check out the IMDB page that I linked above.

Hmm, it just occurred to me that no one probably gives a shit about my discovery. And I'd use a Brink! quote to illustrate how I feel about your apathy, but none of you would get it and you'd further think that I'm a retard. Humph! So I won't. Way to rain on my parade!

PS Big meeting tomorrow - the producer and I are meeting with an actual hypnotherapist. Oh yeah, and I got a free Capricorn key chain today. I think I'm gonna make a buck (literally) and sell it on ebay.

In my absence, I charge you with a task

I'll be MIA for maybe this entire week - I'm on vacation, hence the boyfriend is taking me camping. But don't worry! I like camping. Then a little Six Flags action on Thursday, and on the 4th I'm heading to the Hamptons with my roomie to take advantage of his mother's summer home (I guess there are upsides to sharing an apartment with him, specifically his mother's wealth).

Even though I'll be on vacay, that doesn't mean you guys should slack off - here's your task: I've recently started working with a producer, and currently we're developing a show for A&E based on hypnotherapy. But he's always open to other documentary ideas, and he's always prodding me for my opinion about what I think should be developed.

Aside from the fact that it's fucking weird that anyone would take me seriously, I'm really trying to provide him with the "young" and "hip" material that would be a ratings hit. Not as easy as it may sound. So! Do you have an idea for a reality series or a documentary that you think is original and interesting? Something fresh, something weird? If so, send the idea my way. If your idea gets developed you will be handsomely rewarded (and no, Vern, I will not dole out blow jobs).

I personally think a doc on people with Morgellons would be fascinating - ugh, or vomit-inducing. I haven't thought it through yet.

Remember when you read this blog post? Those were good times, man

I Love the New Millennium is playing on VH1 as I type this, and I have to say, it really fucking blows.

VH1 really couldn't wait another 1.5 years for the decade to be over? (I know, technically the decade wouldn't be over until 2011, but the rules of time aren't recognized by VH1) Just saying, I would find I Love the New Millennium infinitely more interesting if I wasn't living in the same decade that is being profiled.

It's a shame that they have ruined my inevitable nostalgia for the early millennial years. Even though the talking heads can get annoying, I have thoroughly enjoyed watching Michael Ian Black, Hal Sparks, and the various other I Love commentators regale me with tales about the 70's, 80's and 90's - omg it was all so crazy, fun and kitschy! Sure, there might have been wars, riots and drug epidemics happening throughout the latter part of the 20th century, but when Michael Ian Black talks about "new-fangled" inventions, like Post-Its, I'm in awe of just how easy the peeps of yore were entertained by something so simple and stupid. OMFG, people back when must have been retarded! Not like us millennial geniuses who have made Flavor Flav and Paris Hilton national icons.

No, I kid. But it is interesting to experience the pop culture your parents did when they were growing up, and it's fun to revisit events that happened when you were a wee child so you can go, "Hey, I vaguely remember that! Wasn't Uncle Harold super-pissed about that New Coke stuff?"

But I Love the New Millennium takes a look back on stuff that happened, like, two hours ago. Their witty commentary falls flat when they discuss American Idol because how in the fuck can you wax nostalgic about something that is still on the air and viewed by millions of people? You can't really make any "historical" opinions about it because you don't know its fate. People might say "Wait a second Marcie! People wax nostalgic about SNL all the time" but the vast difference there is that SNL has been on for 30 years and launched many a career, as well as many an untimely death. It is steeped in much lore and wonderment. American Idol needs time to mature, its contestants need time to succumb to debilitating drug use and/or a gay sex scandal before we can look back on it and determine what its existence says about that time in American culture.

I Love the New Millennium is a show I could have enjoyed if they made it, say, in 2012. But to watch it now is stupid. And since HBO On Demand can't seem to get its act together and make that Polanski film available, I'm going to keep watching it since there is nothing better on, and its easier to zone out than read a book.

I am the problem in America after all. Yikes.

When rabid dogs take over the world, only one man can save us...

I'm not trying to denigrate Cesar Milan - his contributions to the dog community and humanity are infinite.

But who was the photographer that imagined the post-apocalyptic dog hell pictured here? Whoever came up with this concept is the next Stephen King I tell ya. Really, if this were a movie poster, I'd totally see it in the theater. They should have used this advert for that wretched Costner movie, The Postman.

And how did they get that blonde dog on the left airborn? Did they put him in a slingshot?

And the dog in the background on the right...why is he just chillin when all the other dogs are freaking out?

My questions may never be answered, but I thought I'd share his DVD cover with you, since it had me giggling for a good 5 minutes.

And a bonus: More dreamy pics of Cesar!

Swoon!

Work it, you Bitchy Brute!

Ladies and gentlemen, you are welcome for today's installment of hot Latin, dog-loving eye candy.

The 12 y/o Boy inside Me rears his music tastes

Ew, I hope I didn't break any decency laws with that title.

Anywho, have you guys seen that awesome GTA: Liberty City commercial? Well I have, and I'm now obsessed with the song in the commercial, "Vagabond" by the Greenskeepers.

It doesn't really make sense that a 24 y/o lady such as myself would be into a song used to sell a video game, but it's got a sinister vibe, and I'm all about that (I used to be a HUGE fan of that Smiths song "How Soon is Now," then Charmed cheapened it. Shannon Doherty ruins everything!)

For a listen, click here.

Television "Friends" You Would Never Be Friends with in Real Life

I'm a big fan of Best Week Ever (both the blog and the show), and I previously sent them an idea for a list post, or a "listicle". A listicle details the top so-and-so of something, such as The Top Twelve Sandra Bullock Movie Titles that Could Also Describe her Recent Head-On Collision.

My idea was for them to list the Top 10 (or whatever) Television Friends You Would Never Be Friends with in Real Life. Well, I guess they're really busy right now, because they never picked up on my awesome list topic. So I have taken it upon myself to compile the douchiest and worst friends in all of television. Without further ado, I present...

Television "Friends" You Would Never be Friends With in Real Life


Charlotte York


A Carrie/Miranda friendship makes sense. A Carrie/Samantha friendship makes sense. A Samantha/Miranda friendship makes sense. But Charlotte York, with her stuffy, judgmental ways and naivete make me wonder not only how she got involved with the likes of Carrie, Miranda and Samantha, but how the hell did she survive New York?

All of the other three ladies have arguably an equal amount of wit, cynicism and savvy to find pleasure in each other's company, and I find it hard to believe they would waste their time with Charlotte and her privilege-laden assertions about life. The proof is in the series how much they dislike (or pity) her - Carrie, Samantha and Miranda constantly berate Charlotte for being an old-timey "Rules" loser.

I think the real kicker is that Charlotte is an idiot. Remember the episode where she gets mad at her dog for getting pregnant? And also, the fact that she, a 30-something non-virgin, married her first husband without sleeping with him beforehand, only to endure a sexless, unhappy marriage? Would anyone normal and fun actually be friends with Charlotte in real life? I know her character is there to serve as the conservative factor in the SaTC equation, but every time I watch the show, I can't help but roll my eyes and wish that the other three ladies would get up from the lunch table and ditch Charlotte with the check.

Blanche Devereaux

You know how everyone always compares the ladies of Sex and the City to the ladies of The Golden Girls, and inevitably Blanche = Samantha? Sorry my friends, not so - Samantha Jones is not a rude, insulting beyotch quite like Blanche Devereaux is. Well, she could be, but she rarely hung her friends out to dry like Blanche did.

Maybe it was because Blanche was so vain and insecure that she needed to ridicule Dorothy and Rose on a daily basis, but that is no excuse. Whenever someone insults me to make themselves feel better, I say, "Shut the f*ck up you stupid whore," and I don't ignore their actions "because deep-down they are crying out for help."

Blanche never really says much to Sophia, but she constantly calls Dorothy and Rose old, ugly and unsexy, and rubs it in their face that they can in no way compare to her beauty and man-catching prowess. Some may say she's doing it in jest, as if The Golden Girls are "yo' mama" type joke slingers, but it would get pretty tiresome if someone consistently "jested" you for being old, wrinkly, and looking like Bea Arthur.

Just how expensive was Floridian rent back in the early 90's that it forced Dorothy, Rose and Sophia to room with this snotty bitch? Sure, her wicker furniture was something to be reckoned with, but I think anyone in their right mind would rather bunk at Shady Pines.


The Entire Cast of Friends



I know - it's painfully obvious that this is the douchiest cast of television characters that ever existed, so obvious that I shouldn't even include them in this listicle. If Chandler, Rachael, Ross...oh whatever, I'm already bored with listing their names, which YOU ALL KNOW DON'T LIE - if these people were real life characters, they would be ostracized by all of society. Hence, it makes perfect sense that, not only did they stick to their douchenozzle clique, but 2/3 of them married within their douchenozzle clique.

Ok, so they all were self-absorbed assholes, I don't know why I even brought it up. But I'm singling one character out, and that is Monica. I can find redeemable qualities (though minute) in all of the characters except for Monica, who was too anal, too high-strung, too shrill. Remember that episode when Chandler had to tell her that she gave the "best" worst shoulder rub, just so she could feel better and stop assaulting his shoulders with her death-grip hands? Just what kind of a shell of a person was Monica Geller that she always needed full control and complete validation? Maybe I'm coming at this all wrong - I think Monica experienced severe emotional trauma as a child.


Kevin Arnold


Surprised by this one? Well you shouldn't be! Beneath Kevin Arnold's boyish good looks and charm lay an overly-sensitive - yet insensitive - punk.

Let me preface by saying that, yes, it was integral to The Wonder Years plot that Kevin not be a golden boy; he had to be a betrayer to Paul in an episode, or cavalier to Winnie in another, to demonstrate the lessons learned when coming of age.

The best way to come at this is to look at how loyal of a friend Paul was to Kevin throughout his bipolar-like ups and downs. Throughout the series, Paul was unduly allegiant to Kevin, and what did Kevin do? He freaked out when Paul's Bar Mitzvah was scheduled the same day as his birthday. He flipped his lid when Paul's working-class dad got rich off of some investments (only to later lose it all).

I guess most of all it was Kevin's demeanor toward Paul - they should invent a drinking game where you watch The Wonder Years and drink every time Kevin says, "That's so stupid, Paul," or some other like condescension, because I guarantee you'd be drunk by the time that awesome Cocker version of "With a Little Help from My Friends," comes on. He could be a rude little pig, but Paul stuck by him. Although I have to admit, Corey Matthews, who was most definitely wrought by his predecessor Kevin Arnold, was the shit.

That's all I can think of at the moment, and I am kicking myself for not being a Dawson's Creek fan, because it makes sense that one of those kids in that group of "friends" would be a heinous beast.