My idea was for them to list the Top 10 (or whatever) Television Friends You Would Never Be Friends with in Real Life. Well, I guess they're really busy right now, because they never picked up on my awesome list topic. So I have taken it upon myself to compile the douchiest and worst friends in all of television. Without further ado, I present...
Television "Friends" You Would Never be Friends With in Real Life
Charlotte York
A Carrie/Miranda friendship makes sense. A Carrie/Samantha friendship makes sense. A Samantha/Miranda friendship makes sense. But Charlotte York, with her stuffy, judgmental ways and naivete make me wonder not only how she got involved with the likes of Carrie, Miranda and Samantha, but how the hell did she survive New York?All of the other three ladies have arguably an equal amount of wit, cynicism and savvy to find pleasure in each other's company, and I find it hard to believe they would waste their time with Charlotte and her privilege-laden assertions about life. The proof is in the series how much they dislike (or pity) her - Carrie, Samantha and Miranda constantly berate Charlotte for being an old-timey "Rules" loser.
I think the real kicker is that Charlotte is an idiot. Remember the episode where she gets mad at her dog for getting pregnant? And also, the fact that she, a 30-something non-virgin, married her first husband without sleeping with him beforehand, only to endure a sexless, unhappy marriage? Would anyone normal and fun actually be friends with Charlotte in real life? I know her character is there to serve as the conservative factor in the SaTC equation, but every time I watch the show, I can't help but roll my eyes and wish that the other three ladies would get up from the lunch table and ditch Charlotte with the check.
Blanche Devereaux
You know how everyone always compares the ladies of Sex and the City to the ladies of The Golden Girls, and inevitably Blanche = Samantha? Sorry my friends, not so - Samantha Jones is not a rude, insulting beyotch quite like Blanche Devereaux is. Well, she could be, but she rarely hung her friends out to dry like Blanche did.Maybe it was because Blanche was so vain and insecure that she needed to ridicule Dorothy and Rose on a daily basis, but that is no excuse. Whenever someone insults me to make themselves feel better, I say, "Shut the f*ck up you stupid whore," and I don't ignore their actions "because deep-down they are crying out for help."
Blanche never really says much to Sophia, but she constantly calls Dorothy and Rose old, ugly and unsexy, and rubs it in their face that they can in no way compare to her beauty and man-catching prowess. Some may say she's doing it in jest, as if The Golden Girls are "yo' mama" type joke slingers, but it would get pretty tiresome if someone consistently "jested" you for being old, wrinkly, and looking like Bea Arthur.
Just how expensive was Floridian rent back in the early 90's that it forced Dorothy, Rose and Sophia to room with this snotty bitch? Sure, her wicker furniture was something to be reckoned with, but I think anyone in their right mind would rather bunk at Shady Pines.
The Entire Cast of Friends
I know - it's painfully obvious that this is the douchiest cast of television characters that ever existed, so obvious that I shouldn't even include them in this listicle. If Chandler, Rachael, Ross...oh whatever, I'm already bored with listing their names, which YOU ALL KNOW DON'T LIE - if these people were real life characters, they would be ostracized by all of society. Hence, it makes perfect sense that, not only did they stick to their douchenozzle clique, but 2/3 of them married within their douchenozzle clique.
Ok, so they all were self-absorbed assholes, I don't know why I even brought it up. But I'm singling one character out, and that is Monica. I can find redeemable qualities (though minute) in all of the characters except for Monica, who was too anal, too high-strung, too shrill. Remember that episode when Chandler had to tell her that she gave the "best" worst shoulder rub, just so she could feel better and stop assaulting his shoulders with her death-grip hands? Just what kind of a shell of a person was Monica Geller that she always needed full control and complete validation? Maybe I'm coming at this all wrong - I think Monica experienced severe emotional trauma as a child.
Kevin Arnold
Surprised by this one? Well you shouldn't be! Beneath Kevin Arnold's boyish good looks and charm lay an overly-sensitive - yet insensitive - punk.
Let me preface by saying that, yes, it was integral to The Wonder Years plot that Kevin not be a golden boy; he had to be a betrayer to Paul in an episode, or cavalier to Winnie in another, to demonstrate the lessons learned when coming of age.
The best way to come at this is to look at how loyal of a friend Paul was to Kevin throughout his bipolar-like ups and downs. Throughout the series, Paul was unduly allegiant to Kevin, and what did Kevin do? He freaked out when Paul's Bar Mitzvah was scheduled the same day as his birthday. He flipped his lid when Paul's working-class dad got rich off of some investments (only to later lose it all).
I guess most of all it was Kevin's demeanor toward Paul - they should invent a drinking game where you watch The Wonder Years and drink every time Kevin says, "That's so stupid, Paul," or some other like condescension, because I guarantee you'd be drunk by the time that awesome Cocker version of "With a Little Help from My Friends," comes on. He could be a rude little pig, but Paul stuck by him. Although I have to admit, Corey Matthews, who was most definitely wrought by his predecessor Kevin Arnold, was the shit.
That's all I can think of at the moment, and I am kicking myself for not being a Dawson's Creek fan, because it makes sense that one of those kids in that group of "friends" would be a heinous beast.
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