The Art of Topless Sun-bathing

The bf and I went to the beach on Saturday. Although it was windy, and a zillion dead jellyfish littered the sand (and the choppy water), we had a really nice time.

We went on a small hike prior to our beach-lounging, a sweat-soaked aperitif if you will. On our hike, I noticed many a lady sun-bathing and swimming with her top off. I won't say I was shocked - I'm no prude - but I was a little bit jealous. Here they were, their bare breasts basking in the glow of the summer sun, free and uninhibitied. But because I'm shy (or have too much shame about my body instilled in me - thanks a lot childhood Catholicism!), I would never have the guts to flounce around bare-breasted. I cried for the cool breeze my boobs would never feel.

But you know what happens when you drink a bunch of beers on a beach without a nearby toilet? You skip down to the ocean to do your business. And if the water is rough, and waves keep knocking you over as you command your urethra to just open up already, there's a good chance that your bikini top will get torn off your body. And that's what happened - after several minutes of struggling to keep my top pulled over my breasts while simultaneously trying to urinate, I finally said fuck it, and pulled the drenched and twisted top from my torso.

People, for the first time in my life, I felt alive. No, wait a second, it wasn't that big of a deal. At all. And that's the key to topless sunbathing - don't make it a big deal. If there are any ladies out there nervous - yet eager - to go out in public sans top, here are a few tips to keep in mind.

1. Don't Make a Big Deal Out of It. The more squealing, himming and hawing you do about exposing your breasts will only make it worse. Be comfortable, but don't be annoying. Silently debate your choice, because analyzing the situation with your boyfriend or any other companion will make you that much more anxious.

2. Like I said, Be Comfortable. Goes without saying - or does it? Look, if all those toddlers scampering down by the water are making you nervous, stay covered, because who really wants to deal with an offended parent with their bare breasts exposed? If you'd really rather not deal with that group of frat guys leering at you, don't do it. If some dude with a zoom-lens camera is staked out nearby, don't do it. Really, make sure the beach isn't that crowded. Oh yeah, and make sure it's allowed. Take your cue from the people around you - are other ladies topless? Are many other ladies topless? This will make for the best topless sun-bathing.

3. Draw the Line with Your Boyfriend. The only person who wanted me to go topless more than me was my boyfriend. Why? All I can guess is that he never gets tired of seeing my boobs. Well that's cool. But it wasn't cool when he tried to grope me as I sat there, sunning, smoking a cigarette, all while the girls showed their faces for the world to see. Even though he's seen my breasts a bazillion-katrillion times, he couldn't keep from try to tweak and touch. But I deftly combatted his advances, and called him out on his lurid creepiness. "Stop being a lurid creep," I told him. He got the point - the last thing I needed in my vulnerable state was to be sexually harassed by my boyfriend. Then again, maybe you ladies out there don't have hyper-sexual, immature boys for partners - let me know where I can find one of those.

I can't think of much else besides the always-poignant and cliched advice to 4. Have fun! Go ahead, let it all hang out, bounce around, go for a swim, take delight in the fact that people - men and women - are stealing glimpses of you. If your boobs keep popping out of that bikini top, might as well - besides, it'll help prevent a skin rash!

Are all the straight men of the world rejoicing over this post? Marcie, that requires you to have a straight male readership to begin with. Gee, thanks for the reminder, voice in my head. Lunch at 2? You betcha.