I Like it - I like it a lot

In an effort to make this blog as self-centered as possible, I have compiled a list of some of my favorite things. Ever.

The Doors Cover of Van Morrison's Gloria

If you ever want to delight in a rock song that is overly sexual and just plain disgusting, check out this version of Gloria. Originally written and recorded by Van Morrison's band, Them, in 1964, The Doors later covered it in concert and shattered any sexual subtlety that Van Morrison imbued in the song.

In the concert recording, Mr. Mojo Risin (Jim Morrison's alter-ego for all you squares who might not know) begins the song in its written fashion and stays true to the lyrics. But as the song continues and the band improvises, Morrison takes the song to overtly sexual, then perverse, then "oh my god is he really singing that?" levels.

Lyrics like, "I'm gonna eat you honey," and "I'm gonna rip you in two," combined with the band members yelling "Suck it!" in the background, further combined with odd noises that can only be described as the sound a deaf-mute retard would make while getting a blow job, make this song something to be relished. I recommend popping this in your car CD player on a warm day with the windows rolled down, and then driving through neighborhoods where old people live. Ahh, to be sixteen again!



Driving in the Middle Lane

There was a point in time when driving was second nature to me. But then I moved from Ohio to Brooklyn, the land of public transport. Now, something that was once so simple can be a daunting task due to the fear that can consume you when you're on the road with a bunch of impatient, thoughtless motorists.

But never fear - the middle lane is your best friend. The left lane is full of assholes who get pissed if you drive a hair under 80 mph, and the right lane could turn into an EXIT ONLY turn-off at any moment. The middle is a calm comfort - it gives you access to both lanes should you need to navigate unknown roads or dodge a burning SUV, and it has less urgency. All the right-laners are anxious for their exit; all the left-laners will run you off the road and spit on your mangled corpse so long as they can drive obscene speed limits. Embrace the middle, I tell ye.


Taking a Poo with the Fan On

I enjoy this particularly when anything explosive is happening below the belt. I don't know why I'm deluded enough to think that the soft whir of the bathroom fan masks any sounds coming from my asshole whilst taking a dump, but it is a small comfort. It's like I can relax, let it all hang out when the fan is on, and no one is the wiser that I am annihilating the toilet bowl. When I'm older, therefore super wealthy and able to afford anything in my wildest dreams (right, American dream?), I am going to install a bathroom fan that plays loud heavy metal.


Taking a Poo

Universally one of the more enjoyed activities, no? There's nothing quite like that moment when you're headed home and the urge to poo hits. You squeeze your butt cheeks together, walk kind of funny and/or avoid bumps on the road, and then as soon as you hit the door to your house, you run up the stairs to the bathroom (or back to the outhouse, for my Amish readers). Varied grunts and white-knuckled gripping of the toilet seat follow. I like to read the Listerine bottle during my poos - yourself?


Lars and the Real Girl

Cute, sweet, fun movie - check it out!


How long would you wait before peeing in the elevator corner?

Gawker posted on this last week, but it was so funny that I have decided this is one of my favorite video clips. Ever.

In short: Nicholas White, a BusinessWeek employee, got trapped in an elevator for 41 hours. 41 hours!!!! But it doesn't end all giggles: he was caught up in a media storm that inflated - and later destroyed - his sense of self, and was eventually fired from BusinessWeek due to his diminishing work ethic. White sued the magazine, but the settlement he received was hardly large.

Here is the Gawker link to the time-lapsed video of White's ordeal. Watch it at your own risk, claustrophobes.

Now time for the giggles - the sped up video of White in the elevator resulted in many spoofs. Here's one that I watched on Gawker last week, and I about shit myself I was laughing so hard. For me, the litmus test for a hilarious video is if, while I'm watching it at work, I have to stop it five or six times to recover from my mounting laughter, and that's exactly what happened. And I'm warning you - if you watch this clip, do it when the corporate overlords are away at lunch.





Max Silvestri gets trapped in an elevator